The Detox Series: Part 2

This post essentially has two parts, so stick with me.

Every day we face opportunities to make choices, choices we make without much consideration.  Choosing to listen to public radio vs. commercial-run top 40s.  Deciding to make coffee vs. buy it.  Taking the scenic route vs. the busy highway.  Or in our case last night, choosing to have Chinese take-out for dinner vs. make a homemade meal.

My posts the past couple of weeks have been about cleansing, detoxing, and making healthier choices all around.  I truly believe in this, but I know it is a process. You cannot be perfect every hour, of everyday.   Yesterday I made the choice to eat a Quest Bar (protein packed, gluten/sugar-free) for "lunch" because after teaching 5 classes, my business partner and I were preoccupied with getting our errands done for the Grand Opening on Saturday, and didn't have time for a real lunch before our workout.  This choice meant that by the time I got home at 6pm (left at 4:30am) I was mentally exhausted, physically hungry, and made another poor choice: Chinese takeout.  I choose the healthier options there, but knew that I would still feel less-than-great the next morning.  And it's true, I do feel a little groggy today.  However, this morning is a brand new day and the choices I made yesterday do not dictate today.

I woke up and chugged a big glass of water.  I made a fresh cup of coffee, added cinnamon and coconut milk, and let the yumminess warm me up.  Topped my gluten-free toast with crunchy, organic peanut butter with chia & flax seeds, and ate a perfectly ripe banana.  I practiced a quick yoga sequence that focused on detoxifying poses (another post to come!) and an hour later, feeling much better!  All too often we allow one poor choice to define us, control us, and cause us to lose direction of who we are and what we believe in.  Know that you have the power to change that!

Now the original goal of this post, Detox Series Part Duex, was to pass on to you a simple, yet effective trick I learned from my mother.  In my last post, I discussed how we can choose to minimize the negative effects social media has on our time and our lives.  But before we had social media, we had print, in the form of magazines, catalogs, etc and television.  Even though magazines are not has popular as they once were, they still exist and I still read them every once in a while.  I already discussed my recent disappointment in YogaJournal, and my subsequent discontinuation of my subscription, but I still have a few issues coming my way.  In addition, I like to treat myself to the occasional Vogue or InStyle.  But what I don't want to treat myself to are the ridiculous amount of advertisements in each issue.

When I was younger, I remember by mom collecting Better Homes & Garden magazines and putting together binders of her "dream home."  (This was the original way people did Pinterest.)  She would get a magazine and rip out all the advertisements first.  Without even looking at the stories.  For those tricky pages with articles on one side, she'd fold the ad in half to hide it.  It wasn't just Better Homes & Garden, it was all magazines.  When I was in high school and started buying the horrendous Cosmopolitan magazines, I didn't rip out the ads.  Instead, they made impressions on me, whether I knew it at the time or not.  (Buy this, look like this, you need this, blah blah blah--this is old news, we all know this and it's been discussed at nauseam.)  It continued until this summer when I received yet another YogaJournal magazine and I noticed it was so full of ads, that it was hard to distinguish between the ads and the articles.  I started ripping out all the ads.  It was fantastic.  No more opportunities to looks at supplements that claim to make you look younger, yoga pants to make your butt look better, etc.  Duh, and photoshopped images.

I started following in my mother's footsteps and now each time I pick up a magazine, the first thing I do is rip out all the pointless ads.  It works for all kinds of magazines and it feels awesome to do it.  Cut out the garbage and keep the stuff you really bought the magazine for.

As for watching television, try muting the TV during commercials.  Use the time to talk to the people around you, switch out the laundry, do a couple of air squats/push-ups/sit-ups, light a few of candles, etc.  When you're favorite show comes back on, simply un-mute.

It's a subtle change, but all these small choices we make during our day will help to detoxify our life.  We receive so much involuntary stimulation throughout the day, why not choose not to when we can?

Have a happy Friday!!!!

The Detox Series: Part 1

Every Wednesday morning I start my day by teaching 2 yoga classes before the sun even rises.  While there are other days during the week in which I rise before 5am, Wednesdays are by far my favorite (Sorry Monday and Thursday crew!) There is something wonderful about starting your day with your yoga practice.  A chance to enter the day with a clear mind and clear body.

This morning as I drove in, the rain softly showered the world around me.  It felt like a calm, slow morning, so I chose a yoga class that would gently energize the group.  Opening into backbends, opening our chests, and opening our hearts.  After each class, I felt more clear and more ready for the day.

It helped me to finally clear my head enough to write down what I've been thinking for the past couple of weeks.  After completing my last 21-day cleanse, I discovered that it was not just the way I eat that needed to be cleansed.  I found that when I really looked at the way I live my days, hours, etc that there were many opportunities for toxic behaviors, images, or thoughts to creep into my life.

The largest offender of toxic thoughts, often leading to envy, comparison, frustration, "boredom" and the like?  My stupid, stupid "smart" phone.   We all know this, this is not breaking news, but the iPhone is creeping into our lives, ruining our ability to connect to people in the same room as us.  It is interfering with our ability to be with our own thoughts.  It is warping us to live our lives in a way that we can document through social media.  If we don't post it to the world, did it really happen?!

I remember in the years before I had a cell phone (I got mine at 17 with no texting plans) I would be okay with waiting in waiting rooms.  I was content on long drives.  I wouldn't read books, but I would simply day dream. I would talk with my mom, my friends, whomever I was with.  I was fine with listening to music and really listening to the music.  As an introvert, being quiet or being in situations without a lot of stimulation is not boring.  There were moments of clarity.  There were moments of inspiration.  There were moments when I really got to know myself.

That was until the smart phone.  Now it's too easy to pick up my phone and "scroll."  Scrolling is now an activity.  Commenting on pointless content is now a sport.  Posting the perfect picture of yourself is now a "thing."  I'm an active participant in this toxic behavior and I know it must stop.  My husband and I do not get as much "free" time to just be with each other as other couples without kids do.  Yet there are nights when we are both home, in the same room, with the TV on and the phones in front of our faces.  I find this terrifying.  And what's worse, its a really hard habit to break.

Beyond it just being anti-social, we open ourselves up to all sorts of emotions we may not even encounter on a regular day basis.  We open up to envy--wanting what others have or seem to have.  We open ourselves up to comparison--deciding that what we do, what we have, who we are is in some way less than.  We bombard our minds with images, over and over again, without processing, or even thinking through what we see.  Worse, we aren't even deciding what we see--we see it all.

I don't want to be one of those people who say, "well, back when I was a kid,"or "things were so much better when," because I think that takes away my own responsibility for my actions.  But I will acknowledge that some of life's advances aren't necessarily good for me.  In order to be my best self, I don't need all the first-world modern conveniences, including the constant attachment to my phone.

Of course, the list goes on.  For instance, just because you can buy already made chicken soup, doesn't mean you should always buy it, right? How much better does it taste when you make it from scratch?  When you commit to something, focus on it, and make it yourself.  The sensation of comfort you get from smelling fresh rosemary.  The squirmish feeling you get from handling raw chicken, the physical reminder that this was once alive, so do not waste it.  The feeling of the steam on your face as you stir the soup.  It's all important.  It makes you mindful of what you're doing, where you are, and the time it takes to make something worth having.

Imagine all the time you would have to notice the beauty in each day if you didn't spend the 10 min in the morning scrolling Pinterest.  The 10 min waiting for the train scrolling Instagram, or the 30min after you eat lunch diving deep into a high school classmate's wedding photos.  Before you know it, more than an hour of your day--of your thoughts--is spent mindlessly scrolling.  Literally doing nothing, but scrolling.

Again.  Terrifying.

So, I'm getting the toxins out.  I'm vowing to put my phone away when I get home.  It's going to go in a "cell phone" jar and it's going to stay there, only to leave when someone texts or calls.  Even then, if it's not important, it can wait until tomorrow.  We can take our lives back, take our time back, and put the distractions away.  They say it takes 21 one days to create a new habit.

Here it goes.

Trigger Happy Part 2

#137.8

That was the number on the scale this morning. As I have mentioned before, I don't believe in measuring your worth, happiness, or beauty based on the number on the scale. In the past, I have fallen victim to this, daily checking my number, stark naked, to make sure it didn't go up.  And guess what?  It did!  Somedays I would wake up with it 5lbs heavier that the day before.  Then it would go back down, then up again, and then when it was getting closer to that time that makes you hate being a women, it would go up a whopping 10lbs.

I stepped on the scale this morning because a fellow yogini admitted that she still struggles with obsessing over the number on the scale.  This pretty little lady has been a regularly practicing yogini for years.  At first, she stuck to the Hatha yoga classes, which mean less movement between poses, longer holds, and overall less "athletic" of a practice.  Not any less hard, just different.   In the time period she has started practicing Vinyasa, or flow-style yoga, which can be really intimidating for a lot of us.  She has gotten stronger, both physically and mentally, and has even decided to start her own teacher training program.  She has a lot to be proud of!

But this conditioning to base our daily confidence on the scale is just setting you up for failure.  Unless you are significantly overweight and have weight-loss goals of 50+ lbs, I don't recommend weighing yourself often.  Even those with significant weight to lose, I wouldn't weigh yourself more than once a week, as there are so many variables during the week that effect your weight.

In general, the daily weighing of yourself can go one of a few ways.  First, your weight stays exactly the same and you've already decided you hate that weight.  How do you win?  You've already decided that weight is not desirable. Second, the weight (like mine) fluctuates daily, weekly +/-5lbs.  Now you've made yourself crazy trying to figure out what exactly is going on.  Third, the weight starts to slowly go down and you become obsessed with it.  You develop unhealthy relationships with food and exercise in order to keep that number going down.  Overtime, you may waste away into a person you don't recognize.  Or, it can go up slowly and you think, 'well this is it, I might as well give up.' You stop caring and start to detach yourself from your body.  

The last two are obviously extremes.  (And I should note, I am no dietitian, nutritionalist, doctor, or therapist.  But between my close friends and me, I have seen all of these instances occur.)  When I woke up this morning I thought to myself, 'I don't have to go on the scale to write this piece.' I tried to come up with excuses as to why it was silly, but then I realized that I was succumbing to the very thought-process I wish to eradicate. So, I ate my full cleanse-approved breakfast.  Two slices of gluten-free bread with almond butter, herbal chai tea, and my cleanse shake.  I read a little article on aging yogis.  Then I walked myself downstairs to dust off that old scale of mine.  I kept all my PJs, took a deep breath, already deciding that whatever number came up, I wouldn't care about it.

And you know what?  I didn't! It was weird, the last time I stepped on this scale I was getting ready for my wedding and each reading had such an emotional response from me.  But today, nothing.  I have been 137.8lbs multiple times before. I have felt "fat" at 137lbs, and I have felt thin at 137lbs.  Today I just feel normal.  And that's the thing, it about what you feel.  I felt great after having my yummy breakfast.  The sun is out and the humidity is gone.  I have a day filled with teaching yoga and writing.  I went to sleep last night at 9am, so I feel rested.  All of these things which make me feel like having a great day are NOT on the scale.  137.8 does not represent all that I feel today, all that I can do today, and does not weigh the smile I have on the inside.  It doesn't mean much to me.  

Could you imagine the emotional roller coaster that would be if you truly cared about those little ups and downs on the scale?  I can tell you that no one else seems to notice them.  What people DO notice is confidence.  When you feel good when you wake up, you can't help but look beautiful.  Smiling during interactions, laughing at the small stuff, enjoying the Fall breeze.  Taking a sip of a delicious Chai Tae Latte…THAT radiates beauty and happiness.

To bring this back to those who are unhappy and uncomfortable in their bodies and want to start feel better, it does start with listening, not assessing.  I've said this before but I really mean it.  Start a little daily journal and use it as a "check-in."  Write how you feel upon waking, write how the different foods you eat throughout the day effect your belly.  If you have a Greek yogurt for breakfast and it was delicious, but 2 hours later your stomach is gurgling and acidy, note that.  Begin to find your own path to being food-happy, and belly-happy, and all around happy, by listening to exactly what works well with you.  When you eat the foods that love you, and you eat the amount that hugs you, your body will begin to feel like your own again.  That connection, between mind and body, will never be measured on a scale.

Trigger Happy: Part 1b

After my last post about my food-happy concept, I received a lot of feedback from friends, clients, and family. I am so glad that people have connected to, been inspired by, or found comfort in the post.  But I believe it was a start of a larger conversation, and today I was reminded of just that.  For that reason I am launching a little mini series of posts I'm calling "The Trigger Happy" series.  I'll consider last post as Part 1.

For the past couple of months, I have been disappointed with my yoga journal subscription.  Over the years, it has gone from a magazine filled with thought provoking articles on love, life, meditation, nourishment, and yoga asanas (poses) for all humans to a typical girly magazine littered with material advertising, yoga "quick fixes," tag lines like "yoga to tighten up that core!" and "clothes to highlight your yoga curves."  It was sad to see the change, as it seemed this would be the one magazine that could change the cultural conversation.  I decided not to renew my subscription, and today my final issue came in the mail.

As some of you know, my yoga girl-crush is Kathryn Budig, a fun-loving, beer-drinking, talented yogini, with curves to boot.  She happened to be the cover model this month, which makes my heart dance a little bit.  She has been a "celebrity" yogini for many years, training big names like Giada, creating a DVD for Gaiam, and being the naked girl in the ToeSox ads.  When she did those ads, she was 25 years old and in amazing shape.  Over the years she has found love, aged 7 years, and put on some weight.  Yoga Journal asked her what she thought about looking at her 25-year old self, and this was her response,

I don’t believe in changing anything, but it has been a challenge to watch my 25-year-old body turn into a 32-year-old body. It is not depressing; it is the evolution of a woman. This body, whether it is 10 pounds skinnier or 10 pounds heavier, can still do those postures because it is strong. I stay focused on what I feel, on the results. I have a lot of love in my life, and I didn’t have that when I was 25. If I get hung up on what my body looks like, I am losing track of my goal, of my aim.

The whole article was great, and I encourage you all to read it.  For me, it furthered the conversation about finding our happy, and specifically, making our relationship with our body a happy one.  As I said before, being in the fitness industry is tough, because there is a lot of emphasis on how you look, with the occasional "how do you feel?" thrown in as an afterthought.  I've known people who do not have an ounce of fat on their bodies be completely miserable and I know people who've put on weight and glow with happiness.  

I think the most important step is changing our perspective.  In the article, Kathryn alludes to the challenging yoga world, where the ideal aesthetic is long and lean.  As a curvy girl, she has been called "brave" for showing her curves.  Her response is simple, being curvy and rocking it is not brave, going to war is.  We aren't made to look the same, so it's not brave for those of us who have them to show our curves, its just how it should be.  Same thing if you have a naturally thin body, do you girl.  It's not brave to love how we are, it's just challenging.  Even then, it's a problem we created ourselves. We make it complicated when we are perfectly healthy and relatively happy, but we look at the cellulite on the back of our thighs and say, "I would be so much happier if that was gone."

I have a long history of bad-mouthing my assets, but over the years I have made a conscious decision to stop. I have been open in my classes, talking about my "CrossFit thighs" and my "yoga booty."  I have extra meat on me in different areas, but those are all signs of what I do, where I've been, and who I am.  Don't fight the natural you.  (Of course there are times when I am uncomfortable, like when I eat/drink too much of something or of the wrong thing.  But we must recognize the temporary discomforts and separate them from living in constant dissatisfaction.)  When you speak positively about yourself, it doesn't mean you are 100 percent OK with your body, but you are living with it and loving what you have today.  Then you empower and give permission to other people to do the same."

But, then there are real life issues we encounter and must face.  So, if you are truly unhappy, or if you are truly uncomfortable in your skin, its time to touch base on exactly why.  I had a student come up to me to inquire about the cleanse.  She feels uncomfortable in her skin, knowing that something isn't right.  I've known her long even to know that she has suffered in the past couple of months (possibly the last year) through physical injuries, emotional traumas, big life changes, and more.  These kinds of stresses have taken a toll on her body and she doesn't feel like herself.  Her body isn't representing who she feels she is.  She, like many of us, lost connection to herself, her physical self.  I've been there and when you're there, you know the difference between being superficially unhappy with the way you look and knowing deep down that something else is going on.

This is an example of when you can look at where you are and make changes to get back to you.  It's not about losing weight here, its about attacking the stressors that have put on the weight.  Because the physical weight isn't the issue, its the emotional weight that lives inside.  Shew!  That can feel heavy, right?!  

If you are feeling this way, and are not sure you are ready to take on any major changes yet, I challenge you to simply start "checking in."  Start a daily journal and give yourself 5-10 minutes each day to express anything you want. Write down how you feel, what's up with you, or even a quote that spoke to you.  Once you start that conversation with yourself, you're on the path to trigger your happy.

#30DaystoFlow Challenge Rules

Why I Did What I Did

While I don't believe I should have to explain my decisions to anyone, I have realized that we exist in a world now of over-sharing, so one's desire to keep matters private comes off as being prideful, spiteful, or worse--personal.  As if the reason I choose to make life decisions for me is, in any way, for someone else.  I keep a very small intimate group of best friends with whom I share my personal struggles and triumphs--but to all others, I prefer to keep things light and fun.  I don't deliberately choose not to spill my beans to everyone, I have just simply always been this way.

With that said, it has been just over a year since I switched careers originally, and only a few months since the latest change.  Every time, I have made changes that affect a lot of people.  With this last move more people noticed, and it has caused some rippling.  That start of the story is when I went from working in an office from 8am to 4pm, doing something I was not passionate about, to working full-time in fitness and wellness.  While my official journey into health/wellness began in 2010, when I received my teaching certification and began teaching yoga, I believe I have been a health/fitness coach my whole life.  In the end, it took a deeply hurtful event to push me out of my comfortable office job. 

For those of you who know, you know, for those who don't, I won't explain here.  But know that I had to mourn something I had lost, and as we all know, the grieving process is long and complicated and different for everyone.  The event start during our engagement and I melted into yoga to help me move through the sticky situation with ease.  I was deeply hurt, but also deeply in love.  I wanted to make sure I felt everything, savored every moment of our engagement and was truly present at our wedding. I wanted to get through it without breaking.  And I did.  

After the wedding, I didn't want to just be a survivor, I wanted a new beginning.  I didn't want to think or feel anything I felt before. I wanted to be a fighter.  I found CrossFit and a fighter I became.  I fought through workouts, I fought through fear, I fought through emotion.  Before long, my yoga practice was no longer a priority.  Looking back at it now, I know this was all part of my mourning.  CrossFit was the perfect next step.  Something to get me on my feet and punch back.  I had to be strong for the person I loved first, and I was.  I became her strongest support, and gave up a lot of myself in our relationship to be there for her.  I started to feel empowered again.  CrossFit that gave me the courage to leave my office job and it was the people at CrossFit who offered me my next step.

When I started yoga, I worked hard to lose my competitive self.  I was constantly comparing, judging, and fighting myself.  Yoga helped me let that go.  So, it comes to no surprise that CrossFit, in it's natural form, brought a lot of that back.  I didn't mind at first, I felt really strong and super badass.  In fact, I believe I needed some of that fire back in my life, because the event left me feeling vulnerable and soft.  But, because I had the tendency to be self-conscious, self-hating, it wasn't long before instead of feeling proud of my strength and the things I could do, I was beating myself up for not being even better. 

My body is no idiot though, it kept injuring itself to force me to take a step back.  I tried to listen, but I was seduced by the particular culture of the particular CrossFit gym I was a part of.  It's no one's fault.  Our gym was/is a very strong gym. The people are amazing and do amazing things with their bodies.  As one of the better females, I felt pressure to always perform--or if I wasn't--justify why I was resting, or feel bad about doing lighter weight.  I take full responsibility for going back before I should, for pushing too hard, as I know now that I should have known better.  But my co-workers were friends, our members were inspiration, and ultimately my own ego was pushing me.  

At the same time, my job at the gym became very demanding. It was less a 9-to-5, as it was a full-time 24/7 position.  I had to live, breathe, sleep it.  At first, this was a relief--our box brought me so much strength, the strength to get past something so difficult.  But then I began to truly lose myself in it. I was competitive, harsh, and stubborn.  My personal yoga practice was almost nonexistent, my time for my husband had to be second to my desire to work hard at my job.  My own personal interests disappeared.  Instead of being a fighter, I had became a machine.  I know now that my blind drive to keep pushing was all part of my grieving and I know this step was necessary in me being where I am today.  

I guess, as really great things are often born out of tragedy, another heartbreaking event had to take place for me to see I had to make yet another change.  This time it was a deep hurt suffered by my husband.  I saw that while he suffered and needed my support, I was truly detached.  I could not find the emotion to help him or comfort him.  Even at the funeral, I felt nothing, despite me having love and gratitude for the deceased.  

So I had to take a hard look at where I was going, who I was, and I didn't like it.  I wanted some of my vulnerability back, I needed to feel open, I needed to feel free.  It's challenging in our society to say to yourself, 'I have to do something for me' without feeling like you have to justify it to others.  And, we as a social society tend to take other's actions and personalized them.  People are always going to ask you why, are you sure, what will you do, what did I do to you, etc.  Even myself, I had to think, 'is leaving my job smart in this economy?' 'what on earth will I do?'  But the risk of losing all that I loved by staying was too great.

Without a true plan, without a job, I left.  Even my dear friend helped lie for me, saying I was leaving for something, because leaving for nothing didn't make sense.  Free, I felt a surge of inspiration and I began reaching out to all those that were doing something awesome with their lives.  Little time passed before I was involved in a lot of wonderful projects.  I volunteered, I taught yoga, I read, I wrote, I practiced.  I started to pave the way to my own destiny and I had NO IDEA where it would go.  I even began the tough road back to my yoga mat.  It was hard, my body and mind felt rigid. But I had to begin again.  

Then, something amazing happened.  A friend who had been scorned by the same gym I had just left reached out to me with an opportunity.  Scared to jump into something too quickly, I decided to take some of his CrossFit classes to see if his community was right for me.  My husband and I went together, and we both left feeling freshly inspired.  This was a place where I felt I could design my own road, I had the freedom to go at the pace that I wanted, and all were welcome.  He even wanted to start and develop a strong yoga program.  We proposed a partnership, and bada-bing-bada-boom, I had something.  

I believe I had to truly jump-off, with no safety net, to land where I am today.  I am finding the balance between feeling strong and in control, with being flexible and open.  I did this for me, for my life, and even though I don't have to justify it to anyone, I can and I will. 

Yoga Drill Sergeant

This morning started like many other Monday mornings—grudgingly dragging my feet from the bedroom to the bathroom.  Stepping over the cat that is always in my way, grabbing my gym bag, but not my coat, and heading out into the barely-started day.  My body operates as a programmed transport for my brain as I park my car, walk down the street, and into the yoga room.  Then, as the students begin to arrive I finally start to feel awake.

While the class kicks off a bit stiff and disjointed, before long the class has transformed into a body of completely focused energy.  I can see my students eyes fixated on the mirror, checking their alignment and struggling to hold on just a moment longer while balancing.  This morning it occurred to me—in a big and bright way, not unlike times before—that yoga is anything but an escape.  It is, if nothing else, an experience of your life, challenged, slowed down and in high definition.  It’s intense.

I've had people approach me to say to me that they want to begin a yoga practice because they want “an escape.”   I’m super stressed and I just need to not think and just relax. They may come into a class with this image of trance-like music, a beautiful teacher with airy words and a soft touch, and students moving effortlessly into spectacular poses.   Welp, sweetheart, that sounds wonderful but that ain’t how it’s going to go.  There will be a lot going on that you may not expect, so you better hang on for the ride.

The truth is, for most people beginning a yoga practice is a large undertaking.  First step is always stepping through the door.  Then once you’re in the room, chaos happens.  You’re looking into the mirror not just at yourself, but at yourself amid a sea of others.  Combine your already stressed state, with not knowing what the teacher will say, what to do with your hands, and wondering why the heck you’re so sweaty already and you have a jumbo-size mental mess.  Of course there will be moments when you must come to terms with all the physical postures you may not be able to do.  There will be moments of ego, where you must wrestle with your urge to critique and judge your physical abilities. What?! I can’t balance on one foot?  This is bullshit!  It’s not simply a physical practice, but a mind and body experience that will challenge all parts of you, even to points of discomfort.

You will face moments that have pushed many to quit in the past, because they wanted something easy and dammit it’s not.  Because yoga is not a single experience, a serene and isolated beach that will remain the same each time you come to it.  No, each time you step on your mat it’s a whole different ballgame.  From the moment you left your mat to the moment you’ve come back, you’re carrying new baggage, new experiences, everything that you put into your body since then.   And if you’re not paying attention you may end up on your ass—literally and figuratively.

So why does this image of peaceful and stress-free yoga sessions keep taunting all the brand new beginners, as if the jokes on them?  Does it ever become easy? Last week I had a student tell me, “Wow, you’re a slave driver—I like it.  You’ll see me next week.” What?! That doesn't sound like a yoga teacher I want to go to!  You should know, yoga was not by any means easy for this man.  He is well past his 50s, had to use the wall for balance, took modifications of most poses, and sweats enough to create his own, private pool.   But he had over an hour to wrestle his demons head on and he came out alive--smiling even.  Really, I just helped guide him from one point to the other, with gentle reminders in between.   You are challenged to meet yourself exactly where you are, both mentally and physically, and then willingly let go of disillusion. Following every sweaty torture of holding dreaded eagle pose, is the opportunity to release.   So no, I’m not the slave driver, you are—but you’re welcome anyway.

The calm, tranquil, serene beach of paradise can be found in yoga or any other activity you find to be challenging because it forces us to let go of the false image of ourselves.  We must rise to the occasion to get through what we are doing.  We must be better than we think we are.  And that is a wonderful feeling.  That is the moment of Ahhh.  That is why my students get up every morning and get on their mats--to face themselves in the mirror and come out victorious.

Cat savasana

Moments of Happy

Thanks to my wonderful friend Randi, who helped in inspiring this post (which happens to be a perfect compliment to the last one.)  Both of the following videos bring to light those small moments of happy--the moments when we are entirely present in our humble pleasures.  Short, sweet, and full of life.

Enjoy!

The Tides of March

Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike. J. K. Rowling 

The month of March has lived up to its reputation; it has felt like nothing less than unrelenting madness.  The days of “in like a lion and out like a lamb” are long gone, replaced by schizophrenic weather and unsure predictions of tomorrow.  In Delaware, the school kids have gone through a winter without a snow day, and the rest of us have been shuffling into the new year with our heads down.  It feels like just now we are lifting our gazes to realize that the third month of 2013 is nearly over.  “On edge” would be describing my last few weeks lightly.

March brought some changes to my schedule, as I now start my day Monday through Thursday by teaching yoga, in addition to teaching two nights a week.  Then the CrossFit Games’ Open began and I have been competing in that.  And that’s just my workout schedule!  My hours in-between are spent, often feeling more like a deposit into a life account that I will never see rather than a progression towards something.  Lately by the time my head hits the pillow at night, I realize I barely had time to think during the day.  It’s then that all the thoughts come rushing in waves and the moments tick by without any real relation to conventional time.  I cannot do anything but think.  Then, it begins again.

 

I recently wrote a post about setting intentions, about having a purpose to practicing, training, moving, living.  While I still find that setting an intention is challenging, I find it just as difficult to keep that intention in mind—staying completely present in whatever it is I am doing.  Part of the problem is that days are filled with lots of doing—minutes defined by actions, what I need to do to get through.  My time is propelled by what others need me to do.  I will be in class practicing yoga and instead of being present for me, I am thinking about what postures or poses I would like my students to experience.  Before I know it, the hour or so that I dedicated to myself is gone and I am back on someone else’s schedule. 

This may seem like just distractions, but it is actually a form of neglecting myself.  Yes, I am distracted by what others need and want me to do—but worse—I am ho-hum towards me. “Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike,” (J. K. Rowling.)  If I am floating through my day without mindfulness or true feelings, then I pretty much neglected precious moments that I will never get back. If at the very least I dislike something, I usually work harder to move to something that I do enjoy.  Feelings of dislike can be catalyst of change, whereas indifference is a life sentence of static.  

March may almost be over, but it’s not over yet.  So I have vowed to change!  While my routine has not changed, my perspective has.  On Monday morning I got up and taught my small class, not because I have to, but because I enjoy seeing my students evolve.  Then I was fully engaged in a staff meeting because I was there, so why not?  I was thankful to get out of work early, danced around my house, went to yoga, and then ate cake.  It’s not easy, especially in the morning, but I have been reminding myself today that I am here, so just be here.   

Life moving fast is definitely nothing new and it will not change. The days will tick on and the responsibilities will pile up.  People will tell you what to do and you won’t always have a choice.  So I propose the intention to simply be present.  Notice what you’re feeling, especially if it is unpleasant, and work towards something better.  That way as we move forward, we can drop away the tasks, the people, the jobs, and our own thoughts and feelings that are not serving us.  Spring is the perfect time to walk forward with your head held high—winter is leaving and the sun is shining the way into summer.   

Back. So fresh and so ready!

So, I’ve had this blog for a long time and for the past year it has been left dormant.  It’s not because I don’t love it, or I ran out of things to say, but rather, life happened.  In the past year and a half, I got engaged, switched jobs, planned a wedding, my parents separated, I married my love, and I started teaching and training at an amazing CrossFit affiliate in addition to staying loyal to my other yoga center, Empowered Yoga.  So I mean…I had things to do.

By starting so many different things and new stages in my life, I am learning heaps and it’s tremendously exciting.  Even more exciting, is the amount of questions I have.   So, my dream is to use this blog again as an opportunity to explore all this with you all again. 

I hope I am not alone here, but I thrive on curiosity.  I need stimulation and speculation, doubt and fear.  And nothing tests that like walking into a situation as a brand-spanking-new beginner.  Trying something new forces me to test my mental and physical strength, and nothing is more eye-opening and humbling.  It’s uncomfortable to walk into a room full of people who (whether assumed or not) are not as brand new as me.   I go through the stages of thinking, will I be decent at this, will this be uncomfortable, will people be nice to me, and of course, why the heck did I want to do this again?!  My first time walking into the CrossFit gym, I did so knowing that I had committed to teaching—so I had to do it.  (Don’t get me wrong, I really wanted to be awesome at all those crazy lifts and upside-down things, and I wanted to look really good.) But when I walked into a room with a ton of buff, good-looking guys grunting and lifting heavy things and ladies cranking out pull-up after pull-up, there was that moment of ‘OOPS,’ and mapping out the quickest exit route.  That moment when you say to yourself, ‘Nevermind, I am okay just the way I am.’

But we’re not. 

That’s why we wanted to try something new.  We can see our potential deep down and wanted to give that awesome self a chance to shine.  The only thing standing in our way is our mind.  We all know the first time at anything is a little terrifying, but we can allow that fear of the unknown to light a spark deep inside.  

Over the weekend, I took a friend from CrossFit to a workshop on asana and mediation.  She is one of the veteran CrossFitters; being there from the very beginning and feels very comfortable lifting heavy things.  I, on the other hand, am now a veteran yogini and still feel more comfortable on my mat.  We take each other out of our comfort zone and have been teaching each other a lot.  The added benefit of seeing someone going through something we went through for the first time is enlightening and humbling all at the same time.  But, I digress.  So in this workshop we revisited the principles of meditation and I was reminded of the way the mind works and how often it stands in our way.  Meditation is not about thinking of nothing, but rather just noticing your own habits of thought and working to create a calm and peaceful mind.

When you let your body remain still and you begin to notice the mind, it doesn’t take long to realize the mind is a noisy, noisy place.  While practicing meditation in the workshop, I envisioned my mind as a sky, with my thoughts being these swirling clouds of noise.  It’s here in the clouds that I have my thoughts of mediocrity, doubt, asking what’s for dinner, am I going to like this and of course, when is this over (just to name a few.)  I notice that my thoughts circle back, even when I notice them and try to “put them out.” 

 

It took time, but by the last sitting in meditation, I found my breath.  For a brief moment, it was calm.  I could hear the breath in my lungs and it felt like energy.  I was calm and relaxed and the best part, I felt open.  But then I thought, ‘this is awesome!’ and it was all downhill from there.  The thoughts were back, but this time they were positive.

Where am I going with this?  I’m almost there—patience, santosha.

January is a great time for people to decide to change their life’s path, exchange old habits for new, and to set goals to be better people in the New Year.  It’s usually a combination of our minds and bodies telling us what we want and deserve to be, and we set forth with our New Year’s Resolutions.  We set A LOT of goals and we intend on keeping them.  But come February, the mind begins to grow tired with all our big plans and high hopes—learning something new is hard!  The mind begins to quit before the body ever does.  In between workouts we give our body rest, but we never really thing about our brain. 

 

Therefore, I propose that in order to reach our new goals (physical or not—give your mind a break—and meditate.  We need our mind to push us, to give us motivation, and to drive us.  But if overworked, its influence begins to backfire.  So maybe try something new and different—try sitting and breathing.  

Awakening Your Body—Part 1

My last post was all about giving your mind a rejuvenating kick in the butt—a fresh start for the month of September.  This week it’s about giving your body a wake-up call.

A couple of weeks ago, while in class, the teacher whispered in my ear, “you have wonderful body awareness.”  I smiled and thought, how nice.  It’s true that I can control my body movements and tend to understand what muscles should be doing what and when.  That is not to say I do things perfectly (since there is no such thing) but I do feel in control when I move.  For years, I attributed that ability to years of sports.  Then the other day I was told by a co-worker that I seemed to have a very strong and comprehensive vision of self or great self-awareness.  I was flattered and yet humbled, because it was at that point that I realized a long and hard transformation was finally taking shape.

I had this feeling my whole life that body and mind awareness were intimately connected.  In fact, I have even said that before on this blog.  But this recent ah-ha moment takes this to a different level.  It’s more than just healthy body equals a healthy mind, since it is more than health that we are talking about. Just because you work out, don’t have high cholesterol, no diabetes, and decent BMI doesn’t mean you have strong body awareness.  This was something I had to realize myself.  Giving specific muscles attention and purposely pushing my body to do things—try things—it’s never done has awakened aspects of my personality and thought pattern. 

For example, for years I would suck in my stomach, leave my abs in constant tension, and constrict my belly with tight jeans.  I thought this would create strong, sexy abs, or at least give the allusion of such.  Not sure if that ever happened, but what I do know is that my mind was judgmental, harsh, tightened and unforgiving.  I would criticize my body in the mirror, I harbored jealousy towards others, and I thought nothing was ever good enough.  If I didn’t have the body I wanted, it was my own fault—and then I would continue to beat myself up about it.  My stomach would have constant aches, rumblies, and indigestion.  But recently (I would say the past year or so), I have begun to allow my stomach to relax and listen to what it needs.  

Just take a moment and lay on your back, close your eyes, and bring your hand on your tummy and the other hand to your heart.  Just allow your belly to relax and just watch the breath come in, filling your belly and lifting your hand.  Then release the breathe slowly and feel your hand lower.  Taking time out of my day to do that (whether before or after a yoga class) has been extremely humbling.  Your poor, poor belly gets all this anger thrown its way, but truly it wants to be treated right.  Don’t beat it up with harsh foods, over indulging, and too much alcohol.  And take time out of your day to reconnect. 

It seems so simple, but since I consciously stopped holding in my stomach, I feel much, much better.  AND I am still wearing the same size jeans from high school and they fit better.   Generally, I feel like I look relatively the same—if not finer.  Without getting too weird, I think that by changing my attitude towards—and image of—my body, my body finally began to cooperate.  Strange right?  But give it a try.  Dedicate time to awaken with your feet (take off your shoes!) moving and flexing toes or connect with your tummy and then work from there. 

Your body is such a precious vessel; it’s what allows us to get from one place to another, reach out to touch the ones we love, and allow a safe place for our great minds to work.  However, there is often a huge disconnect between what we do to our bodies and how we think.  Or—so we think.  Remember a moment in your life when perhaps your emotional state was not positive, how did you treat your body?  Or on the reverse, think about a time when you might have become overweight, developed an eating disorder, or often came down with colds—how was your mental state? 

I don’t want to make any guarantees, but I’d like to think that when you treat your body bad, your mind produces negative thoughts and vice versa. 

This is of course relative only to “self-induced” body sickness.  Other diseases like certain cancers, Alzheimer’s, and functional failures are deeper issues, often not explained or cured easily.  I do not pretend to know enough about this subject nor do I think a person’s condition in that state is due to bad-thought-karma.

The second part will talk about awakening your muscles, discovering your strength, and working towards a strong and positive awareness of self.

Fourth of July

On the Fourth of July fireworks rain across the skies, barbeque aromas ride the wind, watermelon juices drip down faces, and our nation’s colors soar in the breeze.  We gather on porches, in backyards, at parks, and monuments.  We are asked to slow down our daily routines and remember our nation’s history, our invaluable freedom, and traditions that have formed our lives one memory at a time.

As I child I remember being proud of my father, grandfather, uncles and aunts, and all others who served in the military.   I was proud to wear red, white, and blue.  I longed for fireworks all summer.   And there were never enough hamburgers and hotdogs to keep me satisfied.  At that time, lightning bugs and lemonades measured summer nights.  But now that adult summer is here, I am finding myself thinking about this holiday in a slightly different light.

On this day 235 years ago, our nation declared its independence from Great Britain.   It was an end of an great era and the start of something even more monumental.  Not only would our country survive against the odds, we would thrive—changing the world forever.  It’s hard to believe our Founding fathers had any idea what the future would hold for the country they created.  Rather, I imagine all the boys planning their big move, damming the British, fighting long and hard for years, signing the Declaration of Independence and then promptly asking, “Uhhh—now what?” 

More often than not, ending something is not the most difficult part—it’s beginning something new. 

For this reason, Independence Day is well-timed in my own life.  At the end of June I completed a two-year apprenticeship and entered July with a future unknown.  It felt like a day of independence when I finally graduated.  Countless hours, long days, and difficult work brought me to the moment of graduation—the completion, the end, the start of something new.  It felt like I was signing my own declaration of independence. 

When our Founding Fathers decided to fight to end British control, they did so in search of freedom.  They sought the freedom to grow into whatever they desired to become.   And they started a nation that has done just that.  America has explored, invented, expanded, and recreated.  We started out as nothing more than an idea and now we are a great nation known throughout the world.  That is simply amazing. 

And yet, here I am over two hundred years later, and my freedom scares me.  I keep asking myself, how could I be scared of the freedom to begin something new?  How could I dread the unknown?  American was built on the freedom to learn, the freedom to create, and most importantly—the freedom to be great.

Well, I refuse to let fear get in the way of becoming something great.  So on this fourth of July, I am breathing in the original American spirit.  In the words of Mark Twain:

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.  So throw off the bowlines.  Sail away from safe harbor.  Catch the trade winds in your sails.  Explore. Dream. Discover.”

Whose with me?!

Simply because Independence Day is a great film :)