Results of the Cleanse

Sooo… I was planning on sharing my results from the cleanse, but I was NOT planning on sharing my before and after pics.  After some back and forth with my insecurity, I thought, 'what the heck! who cares anyway!' Throughout the process I wanted to be completely honest and open, to encourage others who are struggling with their own health issues to begin healing themselves with food.  I truly believe that food is one of the most powerful tools to heal yourself of most of our emotional, mental, and physical ailments. Eating right, moving mindfully, and listening to yourself are crucial to triggering your HAPPY.

Making changes is tough though, and I think the biggest hurdle is the mental part.  We have to shed our emotional attachment to the food we eat, how we eat, and why we eat.  Again, it's TOUGH.  It's not supposed to be a cake walk, and you're definitely not allowed to eat cake.

So, in an effort to be honest and open, let me start with the beginning.  The VERY beginning.

This was me a year ago. I was about a year into marriage and was loving beers with dinner, sweets, late night snacks, etc.  The next day I started a challenge, which centered around a strict Paleo diet, which meant that I cut out all grains, dairy, sugar, alcohol, legumes (beans), etc.  I lasted a month before I started cheating. It was such a strict diet that I found when I cheated, I cheated HARD.  Plus knowing the challenge was 2 months long was really tough mentally to get through.  It was more about what I couldn't eat verses, what I could.

I knew I wasn't officially overweight, but I felt overweight for me.  I felt heavy, sluggish, and not-sexy.  So, trying the challenge was a good first start.  But it wasn't successful. In January, my father-in-law offered us to try Isagenix, and we did, but again it wasn't successful because it was about eating/drinking shakes for meals.  It didn't fit our lifestyle and didn't make me feel good.  I wanted to eat real food and get my energy back.






So, through our very stressful winter, my eating habits were quite bad.  Not eating until 2pm, snacking at night, emotional eating/not-eating, etc. In June I decided to do my first cleanse with Liz.  It was about listening to my body and it changed the way I look at food.

I don't have any pictures from that, but the results are pretty much the same as below.  I decided to the SECOND cleanse because I had a really fun summer, with lots of travel, parties, weddings, etc.  I knew I had gotten out of the habit of cooking and I thought it would help.  And it did!

So here I am 3 weeks ago:

The very next day I cut out all the junk. I felt fine on Monday.  In fact, I felt great.  Tuesday, I felt like I was walking through a fog.  I had slow, tired thoughts.  I took a nap (which I never do) and stumbled over my words.  Wednesday was worse! I had crazy headaches, more tired and was SO HUNGRY.  I kept eating all day.  By Thursday I felt fine and continued to feel fine.

The following Monday I cut out animal protein.  It was supposed to be for the full week, but I shortened it to 5 days because I do CrossFit and coach it, and teach yoga, and practice it, all day long.  All of this had been discussed with Liz the first time around, so I knew I could do it.  Without the animal protein I was feeling like I had hardly any energy and my job requires I had energy!  But aside from that, I kept at it.

What did I eat?  A TON of nuts--borderline too much nuts--and fruit and beans and rice and spinach and broccoli and dried fruit (no sugar added) and tea and tea and tea and tea.  (Can you tell I missed coffee!?!?)  I worked out 4-5 times a week (my usual) and went to bed at 9:30pm when I had to wake up at 4am.  I ate 3 meals a day and allowed myself as many snacks as I wanted.

I completed 2 weeks without any "cheats" or changes to the cleanse.  Then this week, I added back in eggs for breakfast, as I had done the cleanse before and know that my body can handle 2 hard-boiled eggs in the morning.  Then, last night, my husband and I split a pumpkin beer.  I completed 18 full days of the 21-day cleanse.

What I continue to keep out of my diet (90% of the time) dairy, processed foods and sugar, nightshades, soy, gluten products, red meat, corn, and artificial sweeteners (I do like Stevia, so I have that.)  I am human, so there are times when I have gluten (beer) or dairy (ice cream) or sugar (chocolate) but I keep these to a minimum, as I know that a "treat" doesn't feel like a treat to my body.

Here are my results:

I wore the same swimsuit because that's what you do, right?!  Also, my weight-loss was not going to be major, so wearing clothes wouldn't have been effective to show change.  I also took the last pic in a different light to show that it's not the lighting.

Like I said, its not a MAJOR change in 3 weeks, but it IS major progress from my picture a year ago.

This is a year worth of work to not only find my food-happy, but find my LIFE happy.  It's not just removing the internal stress from the food we put in our bodies, it's also about figuring out what outside factors are causing us emotional or mental stress.  Learning to cope, to fight, to conquer, to listen, to love is what I attribute my major changes too.

Movement is medicine, food is medicine. Love is a cure all.


Interested in more information?  Reach out to me!

The Food-Happy Concept

Diet.

Wow. Something about that word just screams misery.  It embodies all the feelings of deprivation, starvation, "no you can't" and "but I must."  Even the thought of a diet makes my head hurt and my belly churn.  

But being in the fitness and wellness biz, I hear it all the time, and sometimes even from my own mouth (gasp!)  Recently, I have had a lot of people ask me about diets so I figured I would lay it all out there.

I have been victim to this epidemic multiple times.  Trying to find something, anything, that makes me feel better.  Over the years I have tried many things.  I was vegetarian for 8 years, a vegan for a year, a "whatever-imma-eat-that" for some time, and then back to vegetarian, then wedding-dress-panic, lemonade cleanse, then strict paleo, etc.  The thing about all these diets, is that I can comfortably say that I have tried A LOT of things, and have discovered what exactly works for me and why.

My whole life I have been active, athletic, and a lover of food.  I remember being 10 years old and being proud that I could eat a whole pizza by myself.  That was a bragging point.   I exercised because it was fun—life was a game and I freakin' owned it.  Bagels were awesome, cheese was amazing, and I’ll have a sprite with my cupcake please.

Then at some point body issues creep in, and I became aware of what "fat" was, became aware of what foods "made me fat" and acutely aware that the opposite sex does not find fat attractive.   I workout because I must, I dieted because that’s the way to win at life, and I drove myself crazy because, goddamnit, I want to be sexy. Cue the diets!!!

I can tell you what eventually worked for me, and how you can do it too.

Step 1. Get rid of your scale. Unless you are trying to lose over 50lbs, the scale will just literally make you crazy. Here I am at 125lbs (the lightest I had been since middle school):

AND here I am at 148lbs (on the heavier side that I've ever been):

Whoa, what a heifer, right?

So, throw out the stupid scale. I fit into the same clothes I did at my wedding weight as I do now. (Unless of course I do a lot of arm/leg stuff one day and I feel all "swole.") If you follow all the other steps, the numbers won't mean anything to you anyway.

2. Stop counting calories. Eating is fun and eating is delicious, and math is not. If you turn your eating into a chore, a punishment, you won't EVER feel satisfied at the end of the meal. Instead, think of your food as a necessary and crucial part of your day. Feed yourself when you're hungry, not when you're bored and stop when you're full. Easier said then done, right? Follow step 5.

3. Do something active each day, but don't always put a measure to it. High intensity training is all the rage, and I wholeheartedly agree that it works, because it does. But there is a limit. Your body needs both low intensity and high intensity to function. Think about high intensity workouts as high stress moments. Imagine if your life consisted of riding roller coasters every single day. Eventually that adrenalin rush or euphoria will lessen its effect. Same thing if you went to a massage every single day. The effectiveness of both decrease over time. But, alternating between high intensity, low intensity, moderate intensity, etc will keep your mind and body on it's toes. Set a goal to workout hard 3-4x a week, while the rest of the week is committed to yoga, walking, light jogging, and/or biking.

4. Start a food/exercise log. This was extremely helpful for me. Not because I wrote down amounts, calories, or nutritional facts, but because I started to see patterns. I noticed that if I skipped breakfast, I usually had a much bigger lunch, had no motivation to workout, and slept poorly. If I ate a really salty snack (chips are my favorite) I craved sweets at night. Just by writing down what I ate and being accountable for my habits, I saw how the choices I made throughout the day effected me for days after.

5. Eat food that makes you feel good. This is the hardest thing for most of us, myself included, to get right. But if you get this right, everything else becomes easier. This is how I finally stopped dieting and just started eating right. The bottom line is you need to find food that makes your mind and body happy. That means food that tastes good going in, feels comfortable moving around inside and is smooth coming out. That doesn't mean eating baked macaroni and cheese because you looooove cheese and pasta, but suffering through bloating and farting for hours. I am not talking about devouring ice cream after a long hot day and suffering through a sugar headache all night and next morning. These are examples of mental comfort food. The foods that we see as "treats" but are not really treats at all. They make us feel sluggish, bloated, gassy, achey, unsexy, and are keeping us fat.

I started this journey of food-happy discovery when I was vegetarian. I realized beef doesn't mesh well with me. We aren't friends, so I avoid him. Then when I began vegan, I realized all those Greek yogurts I was eating made me feel gassy and cheese made me constipated. They were taken off the favorite list. Then I tried paleo, and I realized I don't digest quinoa well and bread makes me feel bleh. But, I still couldn't quite figure out the food-happy concept, and I kept going back and forth between foods I like and foods my body actually likes. Saying to myself, "well I LOVE beer, so I'm going to drink it anyway!" I kept fighting it because I was trying to commit to set "diets" rather than listen to what exactly I needed.

Then in June, I committed to a 3 weeks "cleanse" which focused on specifically finding the foods that did not agree with me. Liz, founder of free + abel, and the host of the cleanse, and I have talked about our love/hate relationship with the word cleanse. Despite it being exactly what it is, "cleanse" has been used recently to describe a "quick fix" for weightloss, which is NOT what this particular cleanse is. The 21-Day Cleanse Liz runs is about much more. It was the final push I needed and provided me with all the proof I needed to change my eating habits for good. Within a week I felt more energy, within 10 days I found my abs, and by the last day, I didn't crave any of the foods I missed. I have kept many of the habits I learned from that cleanse and I am a way happier eater. I think the key was finding the "Rachael diet' or the foods that make my belly happy. There is no book for the Rachael diet, because it's made just for me.

That's how it should be!

Do yourself a favor this Fall and commit to making your mind and body happy. Know that there are days when you fall into old habits, but they will get fewer and fewer. If you are interested in the cleanse, reach out to Liz directly at liz@freeandabel.com. Get in tune with yourself and all the rest becomes easy. Cheers!

Why I hate Yoga, but not as much as I hate CrossFit

Yoga is many things to many people.  And I am not one to tell you want it should be.  I am not going to tell you it's simple stretching, but I'm not going to tell you it's a spiritual experience.  Yoga to me, may not be yoga to you, and that's okay.  In fact, it's hard for me to define what yoga is for myself when I get onto my mat it feels like it is for something new every day.  What I need from yoga today, may not be what I want or need tomorrow.When I teach, I recognize that my students are all different, and do not have the same reasons for coming to me.

More than our own individual experiences with yoga, which inherently makes it different, the yoga community (Western world specifically) has created so many types of yoga.  You have power yoga, acro yoga, aerial yoga, hot yoga, kundalini yoga, ashtunga yoga, yin yoga, Christian yoga (what?!) etc.  Not to mention this overwhelming obsession with handstands that is taking over social media, creating what I'm now referring to Instagram yoga.  There are so many options, so many variations, so many claim-to-fame yoga styles.  It's almost dizzying!   How do you know how and where to begin?  Why even begin at all?

I come across plenty of people who hear the word yoga and immediately cringe.  There have been many times when people tell me directly how much they hate yoga (knowing that I am a teacher, and therefore, at the very least, like yoga.)  When we get to talking, I find out that either a.) they never tried a yoga class and therefore have no real idea if they like it, b.) took one class and got frustrated at how tight and inflexible they were, or c.) are a go-get-after-it type and think yoga is not a "hard enough workout" for their lifestyle.  All three of these reasons to hate yoga come with their own baggage, but I think the overwhelming drive is fear.

Fear that it may make them uncomfortable, fear that it'll be hard, fear that yoga may be humbling and they aren't ready for it.

Ironically, CrossFit has recently suffered a similar fate.  Like wild fire, CrossFit boxes are popping up everywhere.  Each one claims to be the best, to have something others do not.  Mention CrossFit in a group of people and you're bound to have at least one person scrunch their nose at you in disgust.  (Ugh, don't get me started on CrossFit, I had someone say to me at a wedding knowing I am a partner of a CrossFit box.)  But, not unlike yoga, the reasons for hating CrossFit come with a lot of baggage, most rooted in fear or ignorance.  They hate CrossFit, but they've never taken a class.  Or it's way too intense, they could never.  Or CrossFit is too competitive.  They hate CrossFit because "it's cult"or "it's stupid."  Perhaps they have that one friend who started CrossFitting, found a new sense of confidence, a new appreciation for their health, and is telling the world about it.  And god, isn't that annoying?

Like yoga, CrossFit is not the same everywhere with everyone.  Each box has it's own flavor, it's own style. I remember taking my first yoga class in a studio, while attending college.  The teacher was so strange and I hated it.  But, if I never tried yoga again, I wouldn't be here now.  Knowing that it was one teacher, one class, allowed me to give it another shot.  And the next class I took blew me away with awesomeness.  My first experience with CrossFit was Murph, at the CrossFit Reebok One box.  It was a small class of 4 people: my husband, my good friend (and Reebok employee), a random man, and me.  I was uncomfortable, nervous, awkward, and tremendously sore the next 3 days.  BUT, I gave it another shot and loved it.

As I mentioned in my last post, over the years I have found the style of yoga that speaks to me and what I need.  Due to the amount of CrossFit I do now, coupled with years of athletics in my past, I generally approach my practice as a way to heal, rebalance, strengthen, and stretch (both mind and body.)  There are days when the practice mostly gives me mental clarity, emotional calm, and serenity.  Other days, my body hurts so much, that it's all I can do to continue to breathe during suddenly-painful poses.  I started CrossFit because I wanted to find some fight in me, some strength.  I wanted to challenge myself.  Together, I find they are the perfect balance for me.

Now, I am not saying that everyone should love yoga and CrossFit as much as I do.  I believe that everyone has different motivators in life, different goals and priorities.  But at it's core, I believe yoga and CrossFit are for everyone and anyone.  Yoga is essentially the act of harmonizing mind, body, and spirit through physical postures and breath.  The word yoga is derived from a Sanskrit word meaning "to join."  So, at any moment, when you are trying to make yourself feel more whole, that is yoga.  CrossFit is functional fitness.  It is our basic, primal ability to move through our environment as a human being, capable of all things we were naturally made to do.  I think yoga and CrossFit are trying to achieve the same thing.  Disconnect from our man-made systems and connect to ourselves.

Like I said, yoga is many things to many people.  CrossFit is many things, to many people.  Some people move as a way to deal with stress.  Others move because their health depends on it.  Some move to connect to other people, find friends, be part of something.  There are those that move because they want to challenge themselves.

Then there are the ones who move simply because they love it.

I wish we could strip down the labels and call it what it is: mindful movement.  Because if we did that, I know more people would try it.  All I  can hope is that you find your yoga, your fitness, and you rock it.

The Case of the Yoga Selfie

So, I am launching my first Instagram Challenge, starting on the first day of August and I am a mix of excited, nervous, and apprehensive.  There are many reasons I decided to do this, which I will get into soon, but before I do I have to address the selfie.  First of all, I loathe the word selfie.  I think it embodies all the stupid, narcissistic, spoiled, self-centered characteristics of a first world nation concerned only about ourselves.  Namely, our image, thus the #selfie.
Then while coaching CrossFit, the song that puts it all out there, the #selfie song came on and a few of our members started groaning in agony.  (I know, I know, it's a terrible song, but it also happens to be catchy, so I kept it on.)  While it droned on in the background, we talked about how pathetic the song is, how I feel like my brain cells commit suicide while it plays, how the whole song is representative of a much bigger, more horrible trend in humanity, how we're all doomed.  Oh, the horror.

But then, a member said, "Yea, but Rachael you're like the queen of selfies."

#selfie

(Gasp!)

I was mortified.  I never considered myself a repeat selfie offender.  Primarily because I am hardly ever at clubs, I never remember to take pictures at parties (or maybe I forget to attend parties?) I don't take duck face pictures with my girlfriends, and I never take pictures in public bathrooms.  But then it hit me, he was talking about my yoga selfies.

Over the past couple of months as I made a shift in my life, my career, I started documenting my yoga practice.  In truth, I had originally been inspired by some of the amazingly beautiful photos I found on instagram of some wonderfully bendy, flexy, strong yogis.  (This trend sparked a great article denouncing the yoga selfie, a must read. )  Either way, it was fantastic to see these yogis doing inspiring things with their body, but it wast truly representative of my own practice.  My yoga practice has never been showy and still isn't.  I've worked hard to be flexible, to try the more challenging poses, but I pretty much do the same yoga poses when someone is watching, as I do when I am all alone.  This means lots of sun salutations, strong warrior series, lots of hip openers, some yin, some yang, etc.  So, knowing that my photos were never going to look "as cool" as some of these talented folks, it didn't occur to me to put my yoga photos or videos on there to share.

What really started my #yoga #selfie journey was my cat, Weezy (aka #weezus) Every time I whipped out my yoga mat, Weezy would come into the room and stay by my side the entire practice.  It was so adorable, I could barely stand it.  I started to send pictures to my husband, then to my friends.  Then I decided to just share it on Instagram, because everyone found them so entertaining.  The fact that I was doing yoga in there seemed like an afterthought.

Getting all zen-like with my maine man. (get it, he's a maine coon.)

As I shared in my last post, it's been an interesting journey lately, one that took me away from my mat for some time.  Now that I am starting over, when I see the photos I took in the beginning with Weezy, I see how hesitant and vulnerable I really was.  As the days, weeks, and months have passed, I am beginning to see some changes in the way I approach my practice and it shows in the photos.  I'm trying new things, I'm having more fun with it, etc.  However, more than just that, I am happy to hear from people who have been inspired by my photo story in some way.  I love knowing that someone saw my photo and chuckled, smiled, maybe rolled out their mat, or went to a yoga class.  While I am not perfect, I too am working towards being less critical and more accepting of each practice, each photo.  Being content with getting on my mat each day and not being worried about how I look is a daily reminder, because that's the essence of yoga anyway.

#fatcat #longhairdontcare

Even though I had no direction when I started taking them, I now see my #yoga #selfies as a photo journal. I want it to be a testament to my dedication, my journey, and my commitment to living my life open, free, and full of love. Do I need to take pictures to prove this?  No.  But I love photos, and always have.  And this is nothing new, not for me and not for human kind throughout time.  The Egyptians made #selfie coffins to sleep in for all eternity.  In the early centuries, people sat and posed for hours for a single #selfie.  Then, when Kodak created film, people didn't take pictures of beautiful mountains and lakes, they took pictures of themselves.  #RevolutionaryWarSelfie.  When we invented the handheld video camera, we used it to document our own lives, our families, our memories.  Call it a memorial, call it a portrait, call it a selfie.  Whatever it is, we've always wanted to document and record our lives.

Just like in yoga, when it comes to selfies, the most important thing is our intention.  If our intention is kind, both to ourselves and others, then I see no harm in the selfie.  If it's used to inspire, to share, to connect, then go for it.  If we find its about approval, about comparison, about showing off, then we know we're on the wrong track.  When the Instagram yoga challenge launches, I want people to recognize their own intention. Perhaps you want to challenge yourself to try something new, maybe you want to hold yourself accountable to practice everyday.  Maybe you want something fun to look forward to each day.  Perhaps you want to share your lifestyle with friends and family. Perhaps it's just for you.

In the end, its about putting love out there and not worrying about what comes back.  More smiles, the better.  So, selfie on.

Why I Did What I Did

While I don't believe I should have to explain my decisions to anyone, I have realized that we exist in a world now of over-sharing, so one's desire to keep matters private comes off as being prideful, spiteful, or worse--personal.  As if the reason I choose to make life decisions for me is, in any way, for someone else.  I keep a very small intimate group of best friends with whom I share my personal struggles and triumphs--but to all others, I prefer to keep things light and fun.  I don't deliberately choose not to spill my beans to everyone, I have just simply always been this way.

With that said, it has been just over a year since I switched careers originally, and only a few months since the latest change.  Every time, I have made changes that affect a lot of people.  With this last move more people noticed, and it has caused some rippling.  That start of the story is when I went from working in an office from 8am to 4pm, doing something I was not passionate about, to working full-time in fitness and wellness.  While my official journey into health/wellness began in 2010, when I received my teaching certification and began teaching yoga, I believe I have been a health/fitness coach my whole life.  In the end, it took a deeply hurtful event to push me out of my comfortable office job. 

For those of you who know, you know, for those who don't, I won't explain here.  But know that I had to mourn something I had lost, and as we all know, the grieving process is long and complicated and different for everyone.  The event start during our engagement and I melted into yoga to help me move through the sticky situation with ease.  I was deeply hurt, but also deeply in love.  I wanted to make sure I felt everything, savored every moment of our engagement and was truly present at our wedding. I wanted to get through it without breaking.  And I did.  

After the wedding, I didn't want to just be a survivor, I wanted a new beginning.  I didn't want to think or feel anything I felt before. I wanted to be a fighter.  I found CrossFit and a fighter I became.  I fought through workouts, I fought through fear, I fought through emotion.  Before long, my yoga practice was no longer a priority.  Looking back at it now, I know this was all part of my mourning.  CrossFit was the perfect next step.  Something to get me on my feet and punch back.  I had to be strong for the person I loved first, and I was.  I became her strongest support, and gave up a lot of myself in our relationship to be there for her.  I started to feel empowered again.  CrossFit that gave me the courage to leave my office job and it was the people at CrossFit who offered me my next step.

When I started yoga, I worked hard to lose my competitive self.  I was constantly comparing, judging, and fighting myself.  Yoga helped me let that go.  So, it comes to no surprise that CrossFit, in it's natural form, brought a lot of that back.  I didn't mind at first, I felt really strong and super badass.  In fact, I believe I needed some of that fire back in my life, because the event left me feeling vulnerable and soft.  But, because I had the tendency to be self-conscious, self-hating, it wasn't long before instead of feeling proud of my strength and the things I could do, I was beating myself up for not being even better. 

My body is no idiot though, it kept injuring itself to force me to take a step back.  I tried to listen, but I was seduced by the particular culture of the particular CrossFit gym I was a part of.  It's no one's fault.  Our gym was/is a very strong gym. The people are amazing and do amazing things with their bodies.  As one of the better females, I felt pressure to always perform--or if I wasn't--justify why I was resting, or feel bad about doing lighter weight.  I take full responsibility for going back before I should, for pushing too hard, as I know now that I should have known better.  But my co-workers were friends, our members were inspiration, and ultimately my own ego was pushing me.  

At the same time, my job at the gym became very demanding. It was less a 9-to-5, as it was a full-time 24/7 position.  I had to live, breathe, sleep it.  At first, this was a relief--our box brought me so much strength, the strength to get past something so difficult.  But then I began to truly lose myself in it. I was competitive, harsh, and stubborn.  My personal yoga practice was almost nonexistent, my time for my husband had to be second to my desire to work hard at my job.  My own personal interests disappeared.  Instead of being a fighter, I had became a machine.  I know now that my blind drive to keep pushing was all part of my grieving and I know this step was necessary in me being where I am today.  

I guess, as really great things are often born out of tragedy, another heartbreaking event had to take place for me to see I had to make yet another change.  This time it was a deep hurt suffered by my husband.  I saw that while he suffered and needed my support, I was truly detached.  I could not find the emotion to help him or comfort him.  Even at the funeral, I felt nothing, despite me having love and gratitude for the deceased.  

So I had to take a hard look at where I was going, who I was, and I didn't like it.  I wanted some of my vulnerability back, I needed to feel open, I needed to feel free.  It's challenging in our society to say to yourself, 'I have to do something for me' without feeling like you have to justify it to others.  And, we as a social society tend to take other's actions and personalized them.  People are always going to ask you why, are you sure, what will you do, what did I do to you, etc.  Even myself, I had to think, 'is leaving my job smart in this economy?' 'what on earth will I do?'  But the risk of losing all that I loved by staying was too great.

Without a true plan, without a job, I left.  Even my dear friend helped lie for me, saying I was leaving for something, because leaving for nothing didn't make sense.  Free, I felt a surge of inspiration and I began reaching out to all those that were doing something awesome with their lives.  Little time passed before I was involved in a lot of wonderful projects.  I volunteered, I taught yoga, I read, I wrote, I practiced.  I started to pave the way to my own destiny and I had NO IDEA where it would go.  I even began the tough road back to my yoga mat.  It was hard, my body and mind felt rigid. But I had to begin again.  

Then, something amazing happened.  A friend who had been scorned by the same gym I had just left reached out to me with an opportunity.  Scared to jump into something too quickly, I decided to take some of his CrossFit classes to see if his community was right for me.  My husband and I went together, and we both left feeling freshly inspired.  This was a place where I felt I could design my own road, I had the freedom to go at the pace that I wanted, and all were welcome.  He even wanted to start and develop a strong yoga program.  We proposed a partnership, and bada-bing-bada-boom, I had something.  

I believe I had to truly jump-off, with no safety net, to land where I am today.  I am finding the balance between feeling strong and in control, with being flexible and open.  I did this for me, for my life, and even though I don't have to justify it to anyone, I can and I will. 

Feed the Wolf

Often I hear people saying that they want to recreate themselves.  They are coming to yoga to recreate their mind-body connection or getting healthy to recreate their sexy and more youthful self, or the oh-so-cliché post-relationship total image overhaul—recreate, recreate, recreate.  I am guilty of very much the same; feeling an urge to recreate myself into the woman I thought I should be by now.  There is an image of the me that I am and the image I want to be.  I can get stuck believing that because I sit at a desk answering phones, opening doors, and directing people to offices that I am somehow morphing into a one-dimensional secretary from a 1950s sitcom.   It’s easy to latch onto anything that I’ve done in my past and use it to define who I am—label myself a blah.  Then in sheer fear of the person I created, I search to strip down and recreate.

But, the idea of recreating me suggests that I somehow created myself wrong.  And I don’t like that—not one bit. 

In yoga, the belief is that we are all already whole and complete beings.  We have all that be need to be great within ourselves, in the same place where we keep our struggles and our fears.  Everything is inside.  A Native American proverb says it simply,

A fight is going on inside me, he said to the boy. It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too.The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, Which wolf will win?

The old Cherokee simply replied, The one you feed.

I posted before about how there are no “wrong steps,” for without what we perceive as mistakes, we would never be where we are today.  In the same way, some of the things we’ve done do not define who we are, but rather help shape who we are becoming.  When I practice yoga, I need to remember that I am connecting to my true self, not getting rid of a version I don’t like.  In the same way, when I push really hard in a CrossFit workout or challenge myself to try something new and scary, I am not recreating myself.  Instead, I am finding a part of me that was left unattended and unfed.  Over time, in the moments that we allow, we can see ourselves as whole and complete human beings.  This reminder comes at a perfect time, as I am faced with some tough choices.  One is daunting, fresh, yet exciting; while the other is safe, boring and tiresome.  

We have the choice of which wolf to feed.

The Tides of March

Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike. J. K. Rowling 

The month of March has lived up to its reputation; it has felt like nothing less than unrelenting madness.  The days of “in like a lion and out like a lamb” are long gone, replaced by schizophrenic weather and unsure predictions of tomorrow.  In Delaware, the school kids have gone through a winter without a snow day, and the rest of us have been shuffling into the new year with our heads down.  It feels like just now we are lifting our gazes to realize that the third month of 2013 is nearly over.  “On edge” would be describing my last few weeks lightly.

March brought some changes to my schedule, as I now start my day Monday through Thursday by teaching yoga, in addition to teaching two nights a week.  Then the CrossFit Games’ Open began and I have been competing in that.  And that’s just my workout schedule!  My hours in-between are spent, often feeling more like a deposit into a life account that I will never see rather than a progression towards something.  Lately by the time my head hits the pillow at night, I realize I barely had time to think during the day.  It’s then that all the thoughts come rushing in waves and the moments tick by without any real relation to conventional time.  I cannot do anything but think.  Then, it begins again.

 

I recently wrote a post about setting intentions, about having a purpose to practicing, training, moving, living.  While I still find that setting an intention is challenging, I find it just as difficult to keep that intention in mind—staying completely present in whatever it is I am doing.  Part of the problem is that days are filled with lots of doing—minutes defined by actions, what I need to do to get through.  My time is propelled by what others need me to do.  I will be in class practicing yoga and instead of being present for me, I am thinking about what postures or poses I would like my students to experience.  Before I know it, the hour or so that I dedicated to myself is gone and I am back on someone else’s schedule. 

This may seem like just distractions, but it is actually a form of neglecting myself.  Yes, I am distracted by what others need and want me to do—but worse—I am ho-hum towards me. “Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike,” (J. K. Rowling.)  If I am floating through my day without mindfulness or true feelings, then I pretty much neglected precious moments that I will never get back. If at the very least I dislike something, I usually work harder to move to something that I do enjoy.  Feelings of dislike can be catalyst of change, whereas indifference is a life sentence of static.  

March may almost be over, but it’s not over yet.  So I have vowed to change!  While my routine has not changed, my perspective has.  On Monday morning I got up and taught my small class, not because I have to, but because I enjoy seeing my students evolve.  Then I was fully engaged in a staff meeting because I was there, so why not?  I was thankful to get out of work early, danced around my house, went to yoga, and then ate cake.  It’s not easy, especially in the morning, but I have been reminding myself today that I am here, so just be here.   

Life moving fast is definitely nothing new and it will not change. The days will tick on and the responsibilities will pile up.  People will tell you what to do and you won’t always have a choice.  So I propose the intention to simply be present.  Notice what you’re feeling, especially if it is unpleasant, and work towards something better.  That way as we move forward, we can drop away the tasks, the people, the jobs, and our own thoughts and feelings that are not serving us.  Spring is the perfect time to walk forward with your head held high—winter is leaving and the sun is shining the way into summer.   

Setting Intentions

At the beginning of every yoga class I take, there is an opportunity to create a personal intention.  It’s the moment when you are able to ask yourself, why am I here right now?  Each time I come on to my mat, I have the wonderful opportunity to rediscover my motivation for being there, as it can always change.   The teacher usually instructs us to think of a simple word, a virtue, or a dedication and then gives us space to think.  However, more often than not, before coming onto my mat I’ve had a long day at work, a stressful drive during rush-hour, and a lingering feeling of annoyance that all together leaves me rather fatigued.  It’s all I can do to muster up the mental energy to be fully engaged in the first three minutes of class, let alone dig deep and remind myself of the real reason I showed up that day.   Sometimes, before I know it we’ve began class and I somehow missed the moment when I should have made an intention.  It may sound silly, but it’s no easy task to come up with an intention. 

When I first began, my intentions were simple: learn what I was doing, pay attention, and (gasp) lose weight.  My motivation was coming from my brain, not my body, and often led to so-so feelings at the end of class.  However, as I practiced more and let a lot of my insecurities go, my intentions became clearer.  I would feel them arise inside way before I stepped onto my mat.  When I would become frustrated at work, I would know that I would practice yoga to bring me back to calm.  Each movement and breath became less about what I looked like in the mirror, and more about how I spoke to myself inside.  Yoga became the main thing that filled my mind when I had space in my day.  It was the primary source of physical movement in my days and weeks.  It became part of my every day.

But as it often happens when life becomes routine, my mind and body began to feel “stale.”  There wasn’t much stimulation or challenge either on the mat and or off—and if there was—yoga had made me so calm that it barely struck a single cord of adrenalin. I had lost my umft, my grit, my drive somewhere along the way.  I was always a competitive athlete, so what was nice about yoga was that it calmed down that aggression.  At the same time, it nearly took it all away and in many ways, I was lost without it.

Then, I got engaged.  During the early months of engagement—despite  my original assumptions about myself—my  thoughts became all. about. wedding.  (Rest assured, not in a bridezilla type of way, but oh-my-god-I-love-everything, sort of way.)  I continued to go to yoga (which kept me sane), but my days and nights become infinitely more busy.  Then at the same time, my parents began an awful and bitter separation, which obviously could not have come at a worse time.  My mind became all jacked up again.  However, as a good friend always does, yoga kept me grounded.  When it was time to set an intention, I would dedicate my practice to my mother, whose heart was breaking; or to my sister who needed support and love.  I would allow virtues such as patience, forgiveness, kindness, and love to lead me through practice.  Yoga, in a quick and effortless swoop, became my therapy.  Intentions came easy again.

Yet, as with all wounds, time passes and healing occurs.  Now here I am, married and happy and nothing immediate on the horizon, and I am once again struggling with intention struggling with coming up with an intention for my yoga practice.  I have (as mentioned in my last post) began training with CrossFit and am set to compete in my first competition.   In CrossFit, I set intentions as well, albeit they are usually different than those set on my yoga mat.  I have goals to get stronger, improve certain Olympic lifts, and move more efficiently.  CrossFit has helped me fill the void that was left when I stopped competing in sports and has really brought a spark back inside.  (Of course it helps that the hubby loves it as well, so it has become something we love to do together!)  I think about getting to the next workout and I am excited when I leave.  Having a competition to work towards motivates me to do my best each and every time.

 

So, how do I come up for intentions for both?  On the surface, they seem like two very different animals, yet ultimately they are one in the same.  When I first came to CrossFit, my intentions were similar to those I had when I started yoga: learn what I was doing, pay attention, and (gasp again) lose weight.  (Did I learn nothing from years of yoga practice?!)  But now, just as was with yoga, at CrossFit I am striving to be a better person, push myself, give it my all, and see what I am made of.  Like yoga, CrossFit is ultimately a practice to strengthen your mind.   

After coming to that realization, last night I had the most fulfilling yoga class that I’ve had in at least a month.  When it came time to set an intention, I challenged myself to be present, be in tune, and to try my best.  And really, what more can we ask of ourselves?

 

Back. So fresh and so ready!

So, I’ve had this blog for a long time and for the past year it has been left dormant.  It’s not because I don’t love it, or I ran out of things to say, but rather, life happened.  In the past year and a half, I got engaged, switched jobs, planned a wedding, my parents separated, I married my love, and I started teaching and training at an amazing CrossFit affiliate in addition to staying loyal to my other yoga center, Empowered Yoga.  So I mean…I had things to do.

By starting so many different things and new stages in my life, I am learning heaps and it’s tremendously exciting.  Even more exciting, is the amount of questions I have.   So, my dream is to use this blog again as an opportunity to explore all this with you all again. 

I hope I am not alone here, but I thrive on curiosity.  I need stimulation and speculation, doubt and fear.  And nothing tests that like walking into a situation as a brand-spanking-new beginner.  Trying something new forces me to test my mental and physical strength, and nothing is more eye-opening and humbling.  It’s uncomfortable to walk into a room full of people who (whether assumed or not) are not as brand new as me.   I go through the stages of thinking, will I be decent at this, will this be uncomfortable, will people be nice to me, and of course, why the heck did I want to do this again?!  My first time walking into the CrossFit gym, I did so knowing that I had committed to teaching—so I had to do it.  (Don’t get me wrong, I really wanted to be awesome at all those crazy lifts and upside-down things, and I wanted to look really good.) But when I walked into a room with a ton of buff, good-looking guys grunting and lifting heavy things and ladies cranking out pull-up after pull-up, there was that moment of ‘OOPS,’ and mapping out the quickest exit route.  That moment when you say to yourself, ‘Nevermind, I am okay just the way I am.’

But we’re not. 

That’s why we wanted to try something new.  We can see our potential deep down and wanted to give that awesome self a chance to shine.  The only thing standing in our way is our mind.  We all know the first time at anything is a little terrifying, but we can allow that fear of the unknown to light a spark deep inside.  

Over the weekend, I took a friend from CrossFit to a workshop on asana and mediation.  She is one of the veteran CrossFitters; being there from the very beginning and feels very comfortable lifting heavy things.  I, on the other hand, am now a veteran yogini and still feel more comfortable on my mat.  We take each other out of our comfort zone and have been teaching each other a lot.  The added benefit of seeing someone going through something we went through for the first time is enlightening and humbling all at the same time.  But, I digress.  So in this workshop we revisited the principles of meditation and I was reminded of the way the mind works and how often it stands in our way.  Meditation is not about thinking of nothing, but rather just noticing your own habits of thought and working to create a calm and peaceful mind.

When you let your body remain still and you begin to notice the mind, it doesn’t take long to realize the mind is a noisy, noisy place.  While practicing meditation in the workshop, I envisioned my mind as a sky, with my thoughts being these swirling clouds of noise.  It’s here in the clouds that I have my thoughts of mediocrity, doubt, asking what’s for dinner, am I going to like this and of course, when is this over (just to name a few.)  I notice that my thoughts circle back, even when I notice them and try to “put them out.” 

 

It took time, but by the last sitting in meditation, I found my breath.  For a brief moment, it was calm.  I could hear the breath in my lungs and it felt like energy.  I was calm and relaxed and the best part, I felt open.  But then I thought, ‘this is awesome!’ and it was all downhill from there.  The thoughts were back, but this time they were positive.

Where am I going with this?  I’m almost there—patience, santosha.

January is a great time for people to decide to change their life’s path, exchange old habits for new, and to set goals to be better people in the New Year.  It’s usually a combination of our minds and bodies telling us what we want and deserve to be, and we set forth with our New Year’s Resolutions.  We set A LOT of goals and we intend on keeping them.  But come February, the mind begins to grow tired with all our big plans and high hopes—learning something new is hard!  The mind begins to quit before the body ever does.  In between workouts we give our body rest, but we never really thing about our brain. 

 

Therefore, I propose that in order to reach our new goals (physical or not—give your mind a break—and meditate.  We need our mind to push us, to give us motivation, and to drive us.  But if overworked, its influence begins to backfire.  So maybe try something new and different—try sitting and breathing.